The Real Final Frontier

The lost TNG episode you should watch for the plot. For the PLOT.

Neil Shurley

Oct 03, 2023

Welcome to Star Trekking — random intersections in the final frontier.

Today we have a guest post from my friend Charlie Brigden, inspired by this conversation on BlueSky:

Take it away, Charlie!

BOLDLY GOING

By Charlie Brigden

Deny it all you want, but sex has always been an important part of Star Trek. Captain Kirk's reputation has preceded him for decades while Mr. Data once told Tasha Yar he was "fully functional" and "programmed in multiple techniques." And of course there was Gene Roddenberry, Fleet Admiral Horndog himself, who never met a skimpy alien chick costume he didn't like.

But beyond the multiple canon instances of the Kolar beast with two backs, Star Trek also has a rich legacy in the adult entertainment industry, a place where people are literally paid to come up with pornographic parody titles of pop culture titans, such as Everybody Loves Lucy and Mary Pops In. Interestingly, the Sex Trek series that started in 1990 and included such sequels as Charly XXX was written by Cash Markman, a pseudonym of Marc Cushman. Cushman is known as the author of the controversial These Are The Voyages unofficial book series, but also received a story credit for the episode of The Next Generation entitled "Sarek."

That said, Cushman must have been having kittens when he saw 2011's Star Trek: The Next Generation XXX - A Parody. While unfortunately being produced in the era when parody titles had seemingly gone the way of the Kelvinverse Vulcan, TNG XXX is nevertheless the best fan film I've seen, and to be honest, I enjoyed it more than several official episodes. Written and directed by the enigmatically-named (and self-proclaimed geek) Sam Hain, it's an actual love letter to TNG and has decent production values that approximate the show pretty well.

What drew me to TNG XXX beyond the initial idea - Star Trek porn is a killer concept - was seeing a post on Bluesky from Nome, a Trek fan who called attention to the fact that there is a safe-for-work cut of the film on YouTube. In case you're curious, it's 25 minutes long, while the full-length version runs 1 hour and 52, which is longer than Star Trek III: The Search For Spock (and contains considerably more explosion scenes). I've seen both versions now, and what impresses me is that they actually hired the lead actor for the suitability of the story, not the adult scenes. Giles Aston plays Jean-Luc Picard, and for a time he was an actual Picard impersonator. He only has one actual sex scene in the film, which I'm not convinced wasn't a body double, and was actually nominated in the 2012 AVN Awards for Best Non-Sex Performance, although the statue went to James Bartholet for The Rocki Whore Picture Show. What a science-fiction double feature that would be.

The story is this. The Enterprise-D is drawn to a planet near the Romulan neutral zone after picking up an electromagnetic signal, which is traced to a box buried under - where else - Vasquez Rocks. Leading the away team, Data opens it up to find the frozen body of Tasha Yar. That is, not the Tasha that was killed by Armus in "Skin of Evil," but the Tasha that went back to fight the Romulans in "Yesterday's Enterprise." She’s brought back to the Enterprise where she explains that she escaped from the Romulans, despite Sela saying she was executed in “Redemption, Part II” – which is brought up – and tries to reintegrate herself with the crew. Of course you know how she’s going to do that.

The important thing about TNG XXX is while it says it’s a parody, it’s only really saying that for legal reasons. It’s played completely straight, and actually attempts to tie up some of the loose character ends left from the show, notably the death of Tasha. Picard is obviously glad to see her, but it’s Data who gets a story thread about his relationship to Tasha and how he can reconcile that with this different Tasha, as well as any lingering doubts about if she is actually Tasha. And reconcile he does, enthusiastically – this is a porn movie – but also through the character with an actual sense of poignancy. FYI, Xander Corvus, who plays Data, did win an award for the film that year – best supporting actor. It’s hard to say he didn’t deserve it, even when discounting where he shows Tasha his “emotion chip.”

The crew are all there and they do a decent job, especially April O’Neil’s Deanna Troi. She’s gorgeous and totally looks the part, albeit with a Californian brogue instead of Marina Sirtis’ London accent. Ensign Ro Laren is also aboard as helmsman, and there’s even a scene with Geordi’s holographic muse Leah Brahms, although goodness knows what she’d think of this considering how she found his actual SFW (and creepy) program in “Galaxy’s Child.” If I had to pick a weak spot, it would probably be the wig they gave to India Summer’s Tasha Yar, although otherwise they did a good job of making it look fairly faithful to the show. Minor bits are changed, presumably to avoid copyright infringement, so things like the comm badges are different shapes, and the Enterprise itself has no registry. It looks okay though, it looks like a mix of CG and a model kit for the close-ups – you can tell it’s the original issue AMT/Ertl 1701-D kit as the “Aztec” panels are engraved into the hull, which is a complaint many have about that particular kit. Library music is used but it’s actually really well picked, with several pieces by talented composer Frédéric Talgorn, who scored the fun Stuart Gordon mech flick Robot Jox as well as an episode of The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles.

Of course, you have to treat this for what it is, a fan film. Aston of course doesn’t have Patrick Stewart’s gravitas but you can tell from the writing what it would sound like coming out of Picard’s mouth, and it fits pretty well, likewise the rest of the crew. All in all, it’s a nerd dream, just make sure that if you’re going to view the full-length version, at least try and watch it in your ready room.